Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
