I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
