Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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