I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
