never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
