he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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