does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
