My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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