woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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