why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
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