Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
