I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
only you would photoshop your dick
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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