Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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