I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
