Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
