when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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