so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
