so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Randomize
