Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
