the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
