she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
