On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
