We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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