if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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