WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
