how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
