I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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