so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
