It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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