Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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