Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
our cab driver is having phone sex.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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