my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
