i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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