A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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