Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
