Already got asked if we're dating
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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