Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
