Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Sorry about my life...
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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