she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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