i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
