i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
