I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
