Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
