I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
