I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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