I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
3 2 1 whiskey
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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