New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
