boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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