Don't make out with my wife yet
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
