Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
