If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
