My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
