woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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