I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Come share oat with me in your robe
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
