I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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