Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
there is glitter all over my balls
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