Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
